27 Hours A Day???

Okay, I've had this idea for quite some time now, and judging from the reactions I've gotten from a few people at work and at home, I believe that it qualifies as craziness, perhaps even bordering on madness. Although on some levels, I am dead serious about this...

We need a 27 hour-a-day clock.

Everyone complains that they don't have enough hours in a standard 24 hour day to get everything finished. But what if we were to give everyone an additional three hours a day to get things done? People would conceptually have more time in their day. Of course it sounds impossible, considering that the current 24 hour clock is based around the rotation of Earth on it's axis and, at the onset, it seems that a 27 hour clock would throw the days and nights completely out of whack unless we were to slow the rotation of the Earth down which, with our current technology, is impossible. Life doesn't yet work like an episode of "The Superfriends", and no doubt that slowing the rotation of the Earth down would cause more problems than we's even care to imagine...

But these issues would hold no weight with the way in which I would implement things!

Here's the deal. In order to successfully implement a 27 hour clock, we would have to somehow fit it into the existing time framework of our current day. In practice, the 27 hour clock actually gives us no more or no less time than we started out with, but makes you believe that you've gained three hours through the clever distribution of hours, minutes, and seconds within the time frame available to us. It's purely a psychological thing, really, but an effective one nonetheless.

In order to do this, we break down our standard 24 hour day into the smallest measurements of time that we currently recognize on a global scale, that being the almighty second. If we multiply 60 seconds by 60 minutes, then multiply that result by 24 hours, we find that a typical Earth day lasts exactly 86,400 seconds. Okay, bearing that in mind...

The trick here is to take those 86,400 seconds and evenly divide them between more that 24 ndividual parts with no remainder leftovers, thus creating our hours and creating more hours than we started with. I take notice that, within the 24 to 30 hour range that we are looking at, that the numbers that will divide 86,400 evenly are 24, 25, 27, and 30. I chose 27 as opposed to a nice even number like 30 because I took notice that 30 would create an extremely noticeable deficit in the length of minutes and seconds within the hours... not so much the case with 27. And 25 would simply not create a significant amount of new hours to use in a day. The trick here is to make the person not only believe that he/she is losing little or no time, but is actually gaining quite a bit of it.

If we divide 86,400 by the standard 24, we end up with 3600 seconds per hour. If, on the other hand, we divide the same number by 27, we end up with 3200 seconds per hour. In our current way of thinking about time, that comes to a deficit of... oh, say... 6 minutes and 40 seconds per hour. With the hustle and bustle that goes on in everyday life, very few of us are actually going to miss that six and two-thirds minutes. Even less so when you consider what I have in mind next...

Now comes the task of breaking those 3200 seconds per hour into manageable minutes and seconds. Since 3200 is not evenly divisible by 60, and the idea is to gain as much time as we can while losing as little of it as possible, we increase rather than decrease the number of minutes until we find a number that 3200 does divide evenly by. Fortunately, our number is very close by, that number being 64. When we divide 64 by 3200, we come up with a result of... 50 seconds. Acceptable!

So, in retrospect, all minutes within the new time frame would last 50 seconds, for a total loss of ten measly seconds per minute. Given the pace of life as we know it, very few if any at all are going to miss that ten seconds. It takes most people ten seconds to take a piss, including the time it takes to flush the toilet and put the seat down. But... take a look at what we have gained! We now have an extra four minutes per hour to play with, not to mention that we have an additional three hours per day, all at the cost of no more than ten seconds per minute. 50 seconds times 64 minutes times 27 hours equals our magical number of 86,400 seconds. Eureka!

Of course, a new way to tell time would have to be implemented to supplement the new clock, given the uneven nature of it's amount of hours. We don't want something so far removed from the current way of telling time that people can't easily get their heads around it, as worldwide confusion is not the game we are in as confusion usually leads to fear and fear usually leads to hurt feelings and explosive devices flying back and forth. So here's what I propose: The new clock will have 13 AM hours, 13 PM hours, and a special hour that occurs at noon called "Meridian", or "M" for short. The day begins at midnight, 13:00am, similar to our current clock, and continues on in the usual manner, taking the lost seconds and additional minutes into account. Immediately after 12:63 and 49 seconds AM, Meridian occurs. It will be referred to as "Meridian O'Clock", "Quarter-past Meridian", "Meridian 40", whatever. On a digital clock, the above times would appear as "M:00","M:15", "M:40", and so on... Meridian has no AM or PM associated with it, as this is not needed. High noon would occur at M:32, since this is the exact middle of our day. After M:63 and 49 seconds, we go into 13:00pm, and we continue on in the usual manner, until we reach 12:63pm and 49 seconds, one minute before the midnight hour. Immediately after that, the clock rolls to 13:00am and a new day begins. As you've probably guessed, there is no Meridian that occurs at night, only at noon, as it's what gives us our 27th hour and keeps the clock in check.

Imagine the repercussions this would have on your professional life, and the advantages of which. Face it, folks, your work day is going to increase to nine hours instead of the usual eight. No sane employer is going to allow you to work eight hours given the inevitable loss of time dictated by the new clock, because in the overall time frame they would lose about 45-or-so minutes of production time on a 24 hour clock. Here's the kicker... you may be working nine hours, but you are still only working the same amount of time as you originally were, while getting paid for nine hours a day instead of eight! Let me break this down for you... 60 seconds times 60 minutes times 8 hours equals 28800 seconds. 50 seconds times 64 minutes times 9 hours equals... 28800 seconds! And you'd notice even less considering that your workday would be broken up into four-and-a-half hour stretches on either side of your lunch break. And what better hour to take your lunch break than... Meridian! Of course, your lunch break would technically be 400 seconds shorter within the given hour, but this actually has the advantage of shortening your work day by a couple of minutes. But all you would know if that you managed to get an additional four minutes on your lunch break because of the new structure of the hours. Employers would be happy because they'd be forced to step up production slightly to account for the shorter hours and they would get more done given the new nine-hour work day, which inevitably results in more overall profits for them. Employees would be happier, not only because they technically know that they are working no more amount of time than they were, not only because even after they work nine hours they know that they have an additional two hours per day for themselves, but also because they anticipate the additional pay that a 45 hour check at the end of the week brings them. Advantages all around, with dollar signs to spare.

And imagine the global industry that would be conceived as a result of the demand by the public for a new and now necessary 27 hour clock. Sure, the current clocks that people own would become obsolete... all the more reason to go out and buy a new 27 hour clock to properly tell time. Necessity is the mother of invention, and also creates demand. Companies willing to manufacture and sell these things would literally spring up overnight. New jobs would be created as a result, lowering the unemployment rate worldwide and increasing the overall world economy. Gadzooks! A hell of a lot more people would be making money, that's for damned sure... or at least they would be better off than they were. All at the cost of ten measly seconds per minute.

Of course, now... we must consider the chances that a crazy idea like this would ever even be considered, much less implemented, on a global scale. Granted, it would take some time, as some in this world are resistant to change of any kind. But some people think the Earth is still flat, some peoples' main method of transportation is a horse and buggy, some people still hunt for their own food with spears, and some people still browse the World Wide Web with Lynx. To these people I say: Catch up to the rest of us, or get left in the dust... such is the way of life. Throw out those 8-Tracks and get yourself some CDs, and while your out treat yourself to a new 27 hour clock. It's a competitive cut-throat world out there, held together by the belt of industry and innovation... so don't end up with your pants at your knees and your throat cut. Such is the way of the prison bitch...

Surprisingly, I think that the chance that this insane idea could be ingrained into the fabric of our human civilization is quite feasible when you consider just how fucked up our species really is at the level of the street. Because consider this... despite the differences between the nations of the world, despite the blood we've all shed and the wars we've had over petty shit, despite the differences in our cultures right down to the way we speak, read, write, and implement our languages... consider if you will that there are three things which, as a unified world, we have all managed to agree upon at this time in our development without fail, three things that most of us with a fourth-grade education have managed to adapt. They are as follows...

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AGREEMENT 1. Our unified use of the current way we calculate months, weeks, and days within the framework of a year.

AGREEMENT 2. Our unified use of the base 10 decimal numbering system, and the written characters which represent it.

AGREEMENT 3. Our unified methods of telling time within a single day.

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That last one is important! If the entire world, through one method or another, was able to implement and agree upon our current system of telling time without bludgeoning each other to death over it or considering monetary profit as a deciding factor in it's application, then why should they not agree upon and make use of a new method just the same considering the advantages it has for everyone across the board... including the monetary benefits? Crazy as this sounds, methinks this could be a top idea.

But of course, simple as life is once you break it down to it's lowest common denominators, it isn't so simple that we can just walk in with our heads held high and full of our crazy ideas and decide one day that we're just going to change the alphabet, or for that matter, re-invent established tried and true standards such as the wheel or our methods fot telling time. Because the very nature of the human genome is an opportunistic one, and is the reason that one such as me would even conceive a crazy idea such as the 27 hour clock in the first place. Think about it: The new clock was invented with the intention of giving people more time in their day. One day, however, hundreds of years from now, someone out there is going to be living with the reality that 27 hours are still not enough time in a day to get everything done. And they are going to face this reality head-on much as I did and invent... the 30 hour clock! Someday, hundreds of years from then, someone is going to realize that 30 hours a day are not enough time to get things done, and then they are going to invent... well... you get the picture. It's the same mentality that caused us to invent swords to cut each other to pieces, then invent metal armor to block the swords, then invent guns to go through the armor, then invent bulletproof vests to stop the guns, then invent armor piercing bullets to render the bulletproof vests useless... you understand. One thing negates the other and so forth and so on. In the end, when we are all living in the day and age of ten-second hours but still haven't gained or lost any actual time and still have the audacity to wonder why we don't have enought time in a day to get things done, someone who is not a Lemming is finally going to stand up and wonder what the point of all this new-and-better-clock bullshit actually was, and write an article about it much like I did. And he/she is the only one that's going to be right. Worst of all, this person is going to point the middle finger of blame directly at me, where it all started, and immortalize me as an idiot savant who had way too much fucking time on his hands for all eternity and a day.

Come to think of it, perhaps sticking to the standard 24 hour clock isn't such a bad idea after all. After all, the last person who tried to change the world on such a grandeur scale ended up nailed to two pieces of wood, and he had a much bigger set of balls and a much more productive purpose than I. So strike that idea.

Let's consider the calendar instead...

Kudos!

With Sincerest Apologies To Jim Henson

The deep recesses of my mind are constantly amass with all manner of sounds and lights, the factories of my head busily churning away, digesting the realities and assumptions and the dreams and mixing them into big conglomerate greenish-brown pools of smelly viscous liquid which, from between the asscheekish hemispheres of my brain, shall spew themselves forth in the form of gigantic, solidified turds of thought in many shapes, sizes, colors, and flavors. Being the sharing and caring type of person that I am, I thought that I would take a little bit of time out of my busy schedule today to partake in the savory scents of one such pile of cranial feces that has been funking out the forgotten closets of my medulla for quite a few years now.

I think that they should make a Muppet porno.

And not just any filthy little pornographic movie ordeal starring ordinary puppets in it. I'm talking about a movie that stars Kermit The Frog, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, and all of our lovable childhood friends created by Jim Henson that we all knew and grew up with.

Before I go any further, let me say that I personally have never been a huge fan of pornography in it's various forms. Which probably explains why it's God's little joke that there is absolutely no shortage of it. Each day I literally receive tens of unwanted spam E-mails at my various E-mail addresses peddling sexual torture devices and shizer videos and penis enlargement pills, as well as advertisements for overly extreme pornographic sites featuring naked bony skank women with breasts bigger than my head guzzling quarts of jizz or people eating human feces, sites which leave little to the imagination and also leave various social diseases of their own on my computer in the forms of malware, adware, spyware, fuckware, pop-ups, and other "things" which cause the computer to come down with a bad case of "hard drive gonorrhea" and cause it to make noises that were never intended to come out of a machine of this nature in the first place. As if these things alone haven't been enough to turn me off to the genre completely... well... the fact that I never really got "turned on" by any of that trash does not help matters any. If anything, I find it either sick, hilarious, or both. And laughter plus vomit does not equal arousal! Just ask any overly drunk guy who's ever tried to get it up after a night of giving a wet sloppy blow job to a bottle of Jack Daniels. You see, my physical turn-ons pretty much encompass innocent shit, certain items of clothing that the woman in my life can wear for me, and as it is, these are usually articles of clothing that she can easily and shamelessly go out and take a trip to the mall in. In other words... I am turned on by women who are fully dressed, and dressed nicely. I can pull the old built-in hand lotion dispenser to a Sears catalog and get more out of it than I would eyeing through the latest issue of Hustler. Yeah, I know I'm weird, certifiable even. But what it is exactly that does turn me on is beyond the scope of this post. I can tell you this... it's definitely not Muppet porn! Speaking of which, let's get back to our adorable little fabric friends with the ping-pong balls for eyes...

The reason I think that there should be a Muppet porno is not for any turn-on value that I or anyone else could ever derive from it. The reason, rather, is a simple one... because I think it would be sadistically funny as all fuck. Think about it... the Muppets were our special little friends, the epitome of sweet childhood innocence. To take something of that nature and basically put it into the middle of a sick adult-oriented situation is the stuff that tears of laughter are made of. I have often had thoughts many times of how much fun it would be to watch an episode of Barney in which Baby Bop is dropped into a swamp full of hungry crocodiles or fed to the wood chipper just to see the looks of horror on the childrens' faces... but that's a little bit too violently sadistic. So we'll settle for letting the kids have more lighthearted nightmares for the rest of their childhoods instead, and settle for the Muppet porno movie. Because in that particular movie the characters are both having fun and making love... nothing wrong with either of those two things, right? Good clean wholesome family entertainment, brought to us courtesy of the DVD standard and the good ol' boob tube.

So now, we have to come up with a creative and clever name for our movie, one that encompasses the nature of the picture as well as the plotline. Ah-HA!! I've got it! How about...

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The Muppets Take Miss Piggy
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Our story starts off with all of the guys getting together to celebrate our young and virginal pal Scooter's twenty-first birthday party. They're all going to take him out on this particular night and hook him up so that he can finally get laid. They choose to go out to a club that Fozzie Bear knows well, as he has worn many an egg white from performing his suck-ass stand-up comedy routines there on slow Monday nights. And so, Scooter in tow, dollars in pockets, and plenty of rubbers on hand, they set out. While headed to the club in Fozzie's car, they have to reprimand Rizzo The Rat who is busy taking the condoms out of the packages and blowing them up into balloons. "Rizzo, no" Kermit shouts, flailing his arms. "Those are for later!"

They pull up to the club, a swinging singles topless bar appropriately called "Hogs". They park the car and then get out and enter the establishment. A few dudes standing around cast them glances as they make their way bobbing down the aisle and Scooter looks around at the various stages with dancing girls, mouth open and looking like a kid in a candy store. They take their places at the main bar, look up, and Kermit visibly shudders... because there she is. There she is! Miss Piggy! Two hundred fifty-five pounds of pure bikini-clad porcine delight furiously working over the pole while Dr. Teeth And The Electric Mayhem pump out their version of the Nine Inch Nails song "March Of The Pigs". Sam The Eagle silently states, "Um... I'll be right back," and runs to the bathroom to call up The Sperm Bank in privacy and make a withdrawal on his personal account. Miss Piggy continues dancing for a while and is obviously enthralled with Kermit, shaking her better assets in his face. Kermit does his trademark nervous gulp. Cut to Sam in the bathroom, straddled on the porcelain mountain lake, who blows a two-liter load all over himself at the exact moment Dr. Teeth ends "March Of The Pigs" and sings "Now doesn't that make you feel better?" After the dance, Kermit slips a Ben Franklin under Piggy's G-string, and she says "Is that for moi??" Kermit says "Yes, and there's more where that came from. But here's the catch..." He whispers in her ear and points to Scooter, and next thing you know, they're all leaving in the car to go back to Kermit's place with Piggy and The Electric Mayhem in tow. Cut to Sam The Eagle, walking out of the john red-faced and covered in white mayonnaise joy. He looks around and says, "Where did everybody go?!?"

Back at Kermit's place the party is getting started. Miss Piggy's laying in bed stark raving naked, and first up to have a go at her is Fozzie Bear. The Swedish Chef is conducting the Muppet orchestra and The Electric Mayhem as they play the "Bork Bork Bork" song and Fozzie is on top of Piggy, laying into her and gyrating and yelling "Waka waka waka!" Fozzie works her over for a good fifteen minutes and finally blows the flesh geyser, and Piggy inquires as to who's next.

Cut to a group of Muppets gathered around who light the fuse and fire The Great Gonzo out of a cannon face first straight into Piggy's vagina. Guess where that banana nose is going? Gonzo's got her by the legs banging his head against The Pearly Gates while Janice comes over and licks her all over. Nothing like a little hot lesbian action there in the mix! This goes on for about twelve minutes, right up until a group of lovesick chickens led by a miffed Camilla storms into the room, grabs Gonzo off of Piggy in a jealous rage, and begins beating the shit out of him while Janice makes a run for it.

Now it's time for Statler and Waldorf, the two grumpy old men in the balcony, to have a go at Piggy. They both come in naked, their wrinkly bags of goodies exposed for all the world to see, and they double-team Piggy, one in the front and one in the back. They go on for about four minutes, then they get off of her and yell at her about how much she sucked. "You stink! Boo! Hiss!" They leave with Statler criticizing Waldorf. "Maybe if you hadn't forgotten the Viagra we could've lasted longer..." "Oh, shut up!"

The Swedish Chef still has the orchestra playing polka music...

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew enters and sits in a chair. Miss Piggy asks him, "Are you here to fuck moi?" "Heavens, no," Honeydew says, pulling out a pencil and paper. "I am testing a brand new combination drug, a penis enlargement pill mixed with a powerful aphrodisiac. I am here to take notes on it's effectiveness. Lay back and enjoy the ride. Oh, Beaker..." Beaker walks into the room wearing a lab coat and tie but otherwise naked from the waist down, his penis as long as a hockey stick and as thick as a can of Dinty Moore beef stew. He begins laying into Piggy and does so for a full twenty-five minutes. "Mee-mee-mee-mee mee-mee-mee-mee mee-mee-mee!!" All hell's breaking loose when Beaker goes for the finish line, and when he crosses it, he literally blows himself to pieces. "Oh, my," Dr. Bunsen Honeydew says. "Perhaps the pills are too strong..."

Everybody else gets their turn with Miss Piggy. Rowff The Dog comes in, flips her over, and gives it to her... yeah, you guessed it... DOGGY STYLE! Rowff bays at the moon while he's doing Piggy and Piggy is giving Beauregard The Janitor a blow job and commenting about how his dick tastes like boiled creamed cabbage. The Electric Mayhem get their turns as Sgt. Floyd Pepper jams his bass up Piggy's ass and Dr. Teeth shows her what his magical gold tooth can do... all while Zoot the saxophone player sits in the corner watching them while doing the classic shank massage and sending forth the tadpole brigade. Finally, the Swedish Chef does her with a spatula. "Bork Bork BORK!!!"

Piggy is breathless after all that, totally stoked. Scooter, who has been waiting patiently, walks up and says "Hey, when is it MY turn?!?" "In a minute, Scooter," Piggy says to him. "But first, I REALLY have to get in the mood for you!" She gets stars in her eyes and smiles. "Send in Kermit!" Kermit walks in and gulps nervously, a bag containing five thousand dollars for payment to Miss Piggy in his hands. He drops the sack and takes off his collar and jumps on top of Piggy and goes apeshit, and Piggy is loving every second of it. But not even eleven seconds later, Kermit shudders and blows his nut, flailing his arms in the air and yelling "YYAAAAYYYY!!!!!" Piggy gets a really sour look on her face. "You mean that's it, frog?" Before Kermit can explain, Piggy rears back with her fist... "Hiii-YAAA!!!!"... and punches Kermit square in the balls and sends him flying across the room into a stack of crates. She then motions Scooter over to her, but Scooter just stands there, silent and stunned. Piggy looks at him and says "What?"

She notices that everybody is giving her the evil eye. Scooter walks over and says "You hurt my friend, you heartless little bitch. What are you going to do to me if I blow MY nut in ten seconds? You know, I wanted to get laid tonight, but you taught me something. That there's a real quality girl out there somewhere who deserves my virginity more than you do who will love me and only me for who I am and not just accept money to hop in the sack with anybody and everybody for a quick roll in the hay for a night. And you hurting my friend Kermit just shows me how selfish and spoiled you are. Fuck you, Miss Piggy, I'd rather go in the can and jerk myself off! You're a worthless slut! You ain't shit!! And now, you're going to pay!!! Everybody get her!!!" All the Muppets hold her down and tie her up tightly to the bed. Nothing like a little bit of bondage to kink things up a bit! Miss Piggy protests loudly, "You untie me this INSTANT or you'll be hearing from my AGENT!!!"

Cut to The Electric Mayhem standing on the stage behind their instruments. Dr. Teeth is at his keyboards, Janice and Floyd are holding their axes, Zoot is in the corner with his saxophone, and Animal is at his drum kit, eyes closed and breathing hard. Dr. Teeth speaks to Piggy. "Man, fuck your agent," he says. "You deserve to be punished for what you did to Kermit. And if your agent doesn't like it, well fuck him up the ass, too!" The band nods in agreement. "The only question left now is... what are we going to do with you?"

Floyd cuts in. "I've got a great idea, man. Let sick ANIMAL on her!"

Animal stops breathing hard and his eyes widen.

Piggy screams. "Oh, no! No!! NOOOOO..."

"WWWOOO-MMAAANNNN!!!!"

The final credits begin rolling. Cut to the Muppet orchestra in the next room playing the ending theme. Miss Piggy's star-stamped apartment door opens and all the Muppets pile out, giving each other high fives and patting each other on the backs. Behind them, the sounds of Piggy's and Animal's throat shredding screams as well as crashing noises and breaking glass can be heard. Pictures fall off the walls. Quick cut to the Muppet newsroom while the ending credits are rolling. "Now for a Muppet news flash," the Newsman says. "The bruised and battered body of reknown actress Miss Piggy was found in a Lower Manhattan apartment complex today, tied to a bed and completely soaked in buckets of spunk. Police are still trying to determine..." A full milk pail falls out of the sky and clonks the Newsman in the head. Cut back to both the Muppet orchestra and Scooter split-screen. The orchestra plays and the credits roll while Scooter is in the bathroom watching the entire Animal/Miss Piggy affair on closed-circuit television and massaging the wand furiously. Credits are reaching the end as the Muppet orchestra gets ready to conclude their song. At the exact moment that Zoot the saxophone player hits that final ending off-key note, Scooter erupts like Mount Vesuvius. The screen goes to black.

The End.

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It's scenarios like the one above that I concoct that often make me question the validity of having those twenty-four inch pizzas with all the trimmings right before I lay me down to sleep and pray the Lord my soul to not cook in fiery hell like charcoal briquettes. Not to mention that I can hardly wait for this movie's prequel... "Miss Piggy Does Sesame Street". A movie in which we'll get to see her ride the Snuffleupagus, and we get to find out exactly why they call that one guy "Big Bird"...

Sleep tight, kids. Enjoy your nightmares.

Kudos!