With Sincerest Apologies To Jim Henson

The deep recesses of my mind are constantly amass with all manner of sounds and lights, the factories of my head busily churning away, digesting the realities and assumptions and the dreams and mixing them into big conglomerate greenish-brown pools of smelly viscous liquid which, from between the asscheekish hemispheres of my brain, shall spew themselves forth in the form of gigantic, solidified turds of thought in many shapes, sizes, colors, and flavors. Being the sharing and caring type of person that I am, I thought that I would take a little bit of time out of my busy schedule today to partake in the savory scents of one such pile of cranial feces that has been funking out the forgotten closets of my medulla for quite a few years now.

I think that they should make a Muppet porno.

And not just any filthy little pornographic movie ordeal starring ordinary puppets in it. I'm talking about a movie that stars Kermit The Frog, Fozzie Bear, Miss Piggy, Gonzo, and all of our lovable childhood friends created by Jim Henson that we all knew and grew up with.

Before I go any further, let me say that I personally have never been a huge fan of pornography in it's various forms. Which probably explains why it's God's little joke that there is absolutely no shortage of it. Each day I literally receive tens of unwanted spam E-mails at my various E-mail addresses peddling sexual torture devices and shizer videos and penis enlargement pills, as well as advertisements for overly extreme pornographic sites featuring naked bony skank women with breasts bigger than my head guzzling quarts of jizz or people eating human feces, sites which leave little to the imagination and also leave various social diseases of their own on my computer in the forms of malware, adware, spyware, fuckware, pop-ups, and other "things" which cause the computer to come down with a bad case of "hard drive gonorrhea" and cause it to make noises that were never intended to come out of a machine of this nature in the first place. As if these things alone haven't been enough to turn me off to the genre completely... well... the fact that I never really got "turned on" by any of that trash does not help matters any. If anything, I find it either sick, hilarious, or both. And laughter plus vomit does not equal arousal! Just ask any overly drunk guy who's ever tried to get it up after a night of giving a wet sloppy blow job to a bottle of Jack Daniels. You see, my physical turn-ons pretty much encompass innocent shit, certain items of clothing that the woman in my life can wear for me, and as it is, these are usually articles of clothing that she can easily and shamelessly go out and take a trip to the mall in. In other words... I am turned on by women who are fully dressed, and dressed nicely. I can pull the old built-in hand lotion dispenser to a Sears catalog and get more out of it than I would eyeing through the latest issue of Hustler. Yeah, I know I'm weird, certifiable even. But what it is exactly that does turn me on is beyond the scope of this post. I can tell you this... it's definitely not Muppet porn! Speaking of which, let's get back to our adorable little fabric friends with the ping-pong balls for eyes...

The reason I think that there should be a Muppet porno is not for any turn-on value that I or anyone else could ever derive from it. The reason, rather, is a simple one... because I think it would be sadistically funny as all fuck. Think about it... the Muppets were our special little friends, the epitome of sweet childhood innocence. To take something of that nature and basically put it into the middle of a sick adult-oriented situation is the stuff that tears of laughter are made of. I have often had thoughts many times of how much fun it would be to watch an episode of Barney in which Baby Bop is dropped into a swamp full of hungry crocodiles or fed to the wood chipper just to see the looks of horror on the childrens' faces... but that's a little bit too violently sadistic. So we'll settle for letting the kids have more lighthearted nightmares for the rest of their childhoods instead, and settle for the Muppet porno movie. Because in that particular movie the characters are both having fun and making love... nothing wrong with either of those two things, right? Good clean wholesome family entertainment, brought to us courtesy of the DVD standard and the good ol' boob tube.

So now, we have to come up with a creative and clever name for our movie, one that encompasses the nature of the picture as well as the plotline. Ah-HA!! I've got it! How about...

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The Muppets Take Miss Piggy
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Our story starts off with all of the guys getting together to celebrate our young and virginal pal Scooter's twenty-first birthday party. They're all going to take him out on this particular night and hook him up so that he can finally get laid. They choose to go out to a club that Fozzie Bear knows well, as he has worn many an egg white from performing his suck-ass stand-up comedy routines there on slow Monday nights. And so, Scooter in tow, dollars in pockets, and plenty of rubbers on hand, they set out. While headed to the club in Fozzie's car, they have to reprimand Rizzo The Rat who is busy taking the condoms out of the packages and blowing them up into balloons. "Rizzo, no" Kermit shouts, flailing his arms. "Those are for later!"

They pull up to the club, a swinging singles topless bar appropriately called "Hogs". They park the car and then get out and enter the establishment. A few dudes standing around cast them glances as they make their way bobbing down the aisle and Scooter looks around at the various stages with dancing girls, mouth open and looking like a kid in a candy store. They take their places at the main bar, look up, and Kermit visibly shudders... because there she is. There she is! Miss Piggy! Two hundred fifty-five pounds of pure bikini-clad porcine delight furiously working over the pole while Dr. Teeth And The Electric Mayhem pump out their version of the Nine Inch Nails song "March Of The Pigs". Sam The Eagle silently states, "Um... I'll be right back," and runs to the bathroom to call up The Sperm Bank in privacy and make a withdrawal on his personal account. Miss Piggy continues dancing for a while and is obviously enthralled with Kermit, shaking her better assets in his face. Kermit does his trademark nervous gulp. Cut to Sam in the bathroom, straddled on the porcelain mountain lake, who blows a two-liter load all over himself at the exact moment Dr. Teeth ends "March Of The Pigs" and sings "Now doesn't that make you feel better?" After the dance, Kermit slips a Ben Franklin under Piggy's G-string, and she says "Is that for moi??" Kermit says "Yes, and there's more where that came from. But here's the catch..." He whispers in her ear and points to Scooter, and next thing you know, they're all leaving in the car to go back to Kermit's place with Piggy and The Electric Mayhem in tow. Cut to Sam The Eagle, walking out of the john red-faced and covered in white mayonnaise joy. He looks around and says, "Where did everybody go?!?"

Back at Kermit's place the party is getting started. Miss Piggy's laying in bed stark raving naked, and first up to have a go at her is Fozzie Bear. The Swedish Chef is conducting the Muppet orchestra and The Electric Mayhem as they play the "Bork Bork Bork" song and Fozzie is on top of Piggy, laying into her and gyrating and yelling "Waka waka waka!" Fozzie works her over for a good fifteen minutes and finally blows the flesh geyser, and Piggy inquires as to who's next.

Cut to a group of Muppets gathered around who light the fuse and fire The Great Gonzo out of a cannon face first straight into Piggy's vagina. Guess where that banana nose is going? Gonzo's got her by the legs banging his head against The Pearly Gates while Janice comes over and licks her all over. Nothing like a little hot lesbian action there in the mix! This goes on for about twelve minutes, right up until a group of lovesick chickens led by a miffed Camilla storms into the room, grabs Gonzo off of Piggy in a jealous rage, and begins beating the shit out of him while Janice makes a run for it.

Now it's time for Statler and Waldorf, the two grumpy old men in the balcony, to have a go at Piggy. They both come in naked, their wrinkly bags of goodies exposed for all the world to see, and they double-team Piggy, one in the front and one in the back. They go on for about four minutes, then they get off of her and yell at her about how much she sucked. "You stink! Boo! Hiss!" They leave with Statler criticizing Waldorf. "Maybe if you hadn't forgotten the Viagra we could've lasted longer..." "Oh, shut up!"

The Swedish Chef still has the orchestra playing polka music...

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew enters and sits in a chair. Miss Piggy asks him, "Are you here to fuck moi?" "Heavens, no," Honeydew says, pulling out a pencil and paper. "I am testing a brand new combination drug, a penis enlargement pill mixed with a powerful aphrodisiac. I am here to take notes on it's effectiveness. Lay back and enjoy the ride. Oh, Beaker..." Beaker walks into the room wearing a lab coat and tie but otherwise naked from the waist down, his penis as long as a hockey stick and as thick as a can of Dinty Moore beef stew. He begins laying into Piggy and does so for a full twenty-five minutes. "Mee-mee-mee-mee mee-mee-mee-mee mee-mee-mee!!" All hell's breaking loose when Beaker goes for the finish line, and when he crosses it, he literally blows himself to pieces. "Oh, my," Dr. Bunsen Honeydew says. "Perhaps the pills are too strong..."

Everybody else gets their turn with Miss Piggy. Rowff The Dog comes in, flips her over, and gives it to her... yeah, you guessed it... DOGGY STYLE! Rowff bays at the moon while he's doing Piggy and Piggy is giving Beauregard The Janitor a blow job and commenting about how his dick tastes like boiled creamed cabbage. The Electric Mayhem get their turns as Sgt. Floyd Pepper jams his bass up Piggy's ass and Dr. Teeth shows her what his magical gold tooth can do... all while Zoot the saxophone player sits in the corner watching them while doing the classic shank massage and sending forth the tadpole brigade. Finally, the Swedish Chef does her with a spatula. "Bork Bork BORK!!!"

Piggy is breathless after all that, totally stoked. Scooter, who has been waiting patiently, walks up and says "Hey, when is it MY turn?!?" "In a minute, Scooter," Piggy says to him. "But first, I REALLY have to get in the mood for you!" She gets stars in her eyes and smiles. "Send in Kermit!" Kermit walks in and gulps nervously, a bag containing five thousand dollars for payment to Miss Piggy in his hands. He drops the sack and takes off his collar and jumps on top of Piggy and goes apeshit, and Piggy is loving every second of it. But not even eleven seconds later, Kermit shudders and blows his nut, flailing his arms in the air and yelling "YYAAAAYYYY!!!!!" Piggy gets a really sour look on her face. "You mean that's it, frog?" Before Kermit can explain, Piggy rears back with her fist... "Hiii-YAAA!!!!"... and punches Kermit square in the balls and sends him flying across the room into a stack of crates. She then motions Scooter over to her, but Scooter just stands there, silent and stunned. Piggy looks at him and says "What?"

She notices that everybody is giving her the evil eye. Scooter walks over and says "You hurt my friend, you heartless little bitch. What are you going to do to me if I blow MY nut in ten seconds? You know, I wanted to get laid tonight, but you taught me something. That there's a real quality girl out there somewhere who deserves my virginity more than you do who will love me and only me for who I am and not just accept money to hop in the sack with anybody and everybody for a quick roll in the hay for a night. And you hurting my friend Kermit just shows me how selfish and spoiled you are. Fuck you, Miss Piggy, I'd rather go in the can and jerk myself off! You're a worthless slut! You ain't shit!! And now, you're going to pay!!! Everybody get her!!!" All the Muppets hold her down and tie her up tightly to the bed. Nothing like a little bit of bondage to kink things up a bit! Miss Piggy protests loudly, "You untie me this INSTANT or you'll be hearing from my AGENT!!!"

Cut to The Electric Mayhem standing on the stage behind their instruments. Dr. Teeth is at his keyboards, Janice and Floyd are holding their axes, Zoot is in the corner with his saxophone, and Animal is at his drum kit, eyes closed and breathing hard. Dr. Teeth speaks to Piggy. "Man, fuck your agent," he says. "You deserve to be punished for what you did to Kermit. And if your agent doesn't like it, well fuck him up the ass, too!" The band nods in agreement. "The only question left now is... what are we going to do with you?"

Floyd cuts in. "I've got a great idea, man. Let sick ANIMAL on her!"

Animal stops breathing hard and his eyes widen.

Piggy screams. "Oh, no! No!! NOOOOO..."

"WWWOOO-MMAAANNNN!!!!"

The final credits begin rolling. Cut to the Muppet orchestra in the next room playing the ending theme. Miss Piggy's star-stamped apartment door opens and all the Muppets pile out, giving each other high fives and patting each other on the backs. Behind them, the sounds of Piggy's and Animal's throat shredding screams as well as crashing noises and breaking glass can be heard. Pictures fall off the walls. Quick cut to the Muppet newsroom while the ending credits are rolling. "Now for a Muppet news flash," the Newsman says. "The bruised and battered body of reknown actress Miss Piggy was found in a Lower Manhattan apartment complex today, tied to a bed and completely soaked in buckets of spunk. Police are still trying to determine..." A full milk pail falls out of the sky and clonks the Newsman in the head. Cut back to both the Muppet orchestra and Scooter split-screen. The orchestra plays and the credits roll while Scooter is in the bathroom watching the entire Animal/Miss Piggy affair on closed-circuit television and massaging the wand furiously. Credits are reaching the end as the Muppet orchestra gets ready to conclude their song. At the exact moment that Zoot the saxophone player hits that final ending off-key note, Scooter erupts like Mount Vesuvius. The screen goes to black.

The End.

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It's scenarios like the one above that I concoct that often make me question the validity of having those twenty-four inch pizzas with all the trimmings right before I lay me down to sleep and pray the Lord my soul to not cook in fiery hell like charcoal briquettes. Not to mention that I can hardly wait for this movie's prequel... "Miss Piggy Does Sesame Street". A movie in which we'll get to see her ride the Snuffleupagus, and we get to find out exactly why they call that one guy "Big Bird"...

Sleep tight, kids. Enjoy your nightmares.

Kudos!